Have you ever been in a situation where someone comes to you for advice and you had no clue what to say or what to do? Has a friend ever confided in you with struggles and you felt like you failed at helping them effectively? Do you feel under qualified to give advice because you have issues of your own that you can’t seem to work out? Do you avoid conversations that breach superficial barriers because they make you feel uncomfortable? If you are like me, you have answered yes to some (if not all) of these questions.
I whole heartedly believe that every Christian is capable of getting to a point where they can become extremely effective at counseling others. If you are willing to apply the following 10 things, God will use them to drastically change how effectively you counsel others in your daily life. You don’t have to be a pastor to do them, all you have to be is a Christian with a heart to help your friend/loved one/coworker/ etc. The list isn’t perfect, nor is it exhaustive, but I think it will change how well we counsel each other through the hard times in life.
1) Be prepared to do more listening than talking. “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.” Proverbs 18:13. If you are doing all of the talking, something is drastically wrong. The person needs your help and has a lot to get off their chest. They can’t do that if you are talking. You also can’t get to the bottom of what’s really going on if all you’re doing is preaching at the person. Be intentional about being quiet. If the person asks why you are so quiet, tell them you want to hear what they have to say and will respond a little later. This way you are able to gather a lot of information while demonstrating you care about their situation. If the person is grieving over the loss of a loved one, don’t take it upon yourself to explain why you think God took their loved one from them. I’ve heard things like “God is punishing you” “You must be in unrepentant sin” etc. Those things are counterproductive and outright mean – spirited. Those comments generally create more pain for the person suffering. It’s OK to tell them God is in control (Romans 8:28) but keep in mind this is a situation where listening and being there for them will make all the difference in the world.
2) Realize there is always two sides to every story. “The one who states his case first seems right, until the other comes and examines him.” Proverbs 18:17. You may feel obligated to agree with everything your friend said. Agreeing with everything they say (when they are wrong) is counterproductive. If your friend says “He dumped me and I hate him so much” don’t respond with ” I always hated him too! I always thought he was a scumbag”. What if they end up getting back together? You will regret ever saying anything in the first place!
3) Be kind, genuine, compassionate, and loving. “6 by purity, knowledge, patience, kindness, the Holy Spirit, genuine love;” 2 Corinthians 6:6. This person came to you for help. Even if you think their problem is silly, be compassionate with them because they obviously think their situation is important.
4) Take them seriously and attempt to relate with them. This point closely follows after point 3. If you laugh at their embarrassing situation, don’t expect them to come to you for counsel again. Instead, explain how you have gone through a similar experience in your life and witnessed God’s hand in it. If you run your mouth and tell everyone you know about the issues the person asking for help told you, your credability is ruined and you need to repent! If you want them to take you seriously, take them seriously.
5) If you must confront the sin in their life, do so lovingly.“15 Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ” Ephesians 4:15. If you start aggressively preaching down to them, expect the person to shut down and become defensive. If this happens, the counseling session is over. It’s very unlikely you will be able to recover it, it’s also very unlikely the person will come to you for help again. No one likes a pharisee, especially a pharisee who attacks them when they are at their worst.
6) Encourage them that God has plans for their life. “6 And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” Philippians 1:6. Every person is valuable to God. It’s important to grasp this as there are times in life where people experience sadness, and lack of worth. Knowing that God has plans for their life should serve as encouragment for those who are sad. We all experience trials and tribulations, it’s how we react to them that demonstrates our character. Christians can make it through the difficult times knowing that God has (good) plans for their life in general.
7) Christians should use the Scriptures to counsel each other – “6 All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness,” 2 Timothy 3:16. You may be tempted to use some cool psychological technique that you learned while watching Dr. Phil. The Word of God should be the ultimate authority in the life of the beleiver. If you don’t understand why that is, check out this post HERE.
8) Never underestimate the power of prayer – “16 Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” Hebrews 4:16. Pray with the person. Ask God to do big things. Pray after the person leaves. Keep the person in your prayers indefinently. God listens to prayers and knows our concerns. Make sure the person you are counseling understands that.
9) Always offer hope – 11 But let all who take refuge in you rejoice; let them ever sing for joy, and spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may exult in you.” Psalm 5:11. Focus on the positives and what God is capable of doing in the persons life. Offer them hope that by the power of the Holy Spirit they can work through their circumstance. Remind them of the hope we have as believers because of the Cross of Christ. Secular psychology focuses on the problem. They say “You are an alcoholic, and always will be”. Biblical Christianity on the other hand offers hope saying “you can overcome your substance abuse permanently as it does not rule your life.” There is a lot of hope in the Christian way of counseling!
10) Remember that all Christians are immeasurably blessed because of their Redeemer – “4 But[a] God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, 5 even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— 6 and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, 7 so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.” Ephesians 2:4-7.
I hope this post has encouraged you and I pray that you joyfully take every opportunity that God gives you to help a brother or sister in their time of need. I’d love to hear how this post has helped you or encouraged you to be more effective in counseling others.
The Religious Nerd 
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